The Adverse Effects

Time is going by too slowly if you ask me. I am somewhere between a heart attack and a panic attack. Oh Fear, how I hate you so. If you knew me, the idea that I'd be all that afraid of anything would be a bit surprising. You'd probably assume that the few fears I have would go along the lines of "fear of serial killers and painful death" or something like that. And most of the time it is that way. I don't always have extreme reactions stemming from fear, but I definitely do. Fear/anxiety is a powerful emotion, and if you let it get to you, it can knock you out. I swear, whose side is my brain on anyway?

Let's take a perfectly normal fear of mine, however not so scary, like my fear of spiders. Usually, spiders just creep me out. Too many legs, too many eyes. But sometimes, like if I see an especially big spider, maybe a grass spider or a hobo spider... I just lose it. As in, the-whole-anxiety-attack-checklist-lose-it. Tremors, twitches, muscle numbness, dry mouth, clammy skin, shortness of breath, blurred vision, maybe some crying spells, weakness... yep, all of it. Saying that I react badly would be a serious underestimation. But what's weird as that this doesn't always happen.

Sure, I worry a lot. I avoid a lot of different situations out of anxiety. (Ironically, I kind of like public speaking... though apparently that ranks high on the anxiety scale). Like, I don't like lines. Not as in pencil lines, but as in people lines. I really don't like standing in line. I haven't been through the cafeteria line at school for like 4+ years, besides maybe once or twice. Sounds kind of extreme, and for a while even a teacher was concerned because I would not eat. I don't know, maybe she thought I'd get an eating disorder? I forget to eat sometimes, but it's never on purpose. I just forget things a lot.

Good thing I don't have to consciously remember to breathe. Anyway, I am now nearing 72 hours of total sleep deprivation, which means that I'm starting to get the minor hallucinations and typical paranoia. Minor because I see things, but at the same time I don't. I just get glimpses of things that don't exist. Another day and I'll get the real deal, unfortunately. Stuff really gets interesting then. Books will flip open, but not really. Pencils will curl and twist, but not really. The floor will sway and dip, but not really. People will whisper to me, but not really. Spiders everywhere, but not really. Patterns on the carpet will coil and twist, but not really. You get the point. After six days, well, you're a real mess. You start micro sleeping for seconds without even noticing. You're brain will literally shut off without the least bit warning, something like losing consciousness or blanking out for half a second. You can't keep track of anything, you forget everything. You no longer have the 1st all-nighter jitters, you just look like a drug-addict. 

I would give anything for some restful sleep. And not like what you get with insomnia meds. I mean REAL sleep that doesn't involve extreme grogginess and dizziness.

Might as well document this experience. Well, a good night to all you people that sleep. My empathy to the people that cannot. You'd think something as simple as sleeping would be easy. But man, insomnia is a bitch.

<3 Love you all.