He Said She Said

New topic: Bullying. Now, just about everybody has experienced and/or seen bullying. So, bullying can take on several forms. It can be physical, sexual or emotional harassment. And with all the technology around us, now it can be cyber too. Surely the media has made everybody aware of just how serious bullying can be, as there have been suicide outbreaks and even school shootouts.

Whether it be that girl in your class that nobody want to be friends with for some stupid reason. Or the boy that everybody else makes fun of because he is different. Or maybe someone posted something on your Facebook wall that was mean. Maybe a guy spreading a sext around the school after convincing a girl to agree to send it. Bullying is everywhere. It's almost hard to believe just how cruel we are to ourselves and the people around us.

I think bullying is serious. You never forget things like that. I was bullied. At first, I didn't really know why. I knew I was the "new kid" and I had entered that school in the last year, so everybody already had friends. But I didn't mind being alone and not having them. It would only be a year after all. So, why were they being mean? It's the kind of stuff that messes you up for life. If it's not because of what they did to you, it's because of what you do to yourself. If they're mean to you, you learn to be just as cruel to yourself. I wasn't bullied for long. One year of elementary school and two years of middle school. I left to Sumner Academy right after that, one year earlier and free.

But it still messes you up, nonetheless. To this day, I don't trust people and I still get paranoid sometimes. But this too shall pass, no?

But that's not the point. All of these things, the bullying, the school shootings, the suicides... all of it was 100% preventable. It didn't have to happen.

But it did.

So, if anybody ever bothers to read this, I hope they take that into consideration when... that girl has to sit in the back corner because nobody wants her to sit next to them... when they beat up that kid again because he likes dueling cards... when they laugh at that person again... or they call that chick a slut on Facebook or anywhere. Anything. Everything. Could have been prevented.

Are you going to stop it?

Or are you just going to watch?

Are You Listening?

Today. I. Talk. About. Suicide. Stop whining (and eat your damn vegetables). Remember that I'm going to write in a rather non-serious way. Not because suicide is a mild subject, but because I can't type if I'm crying my eyes out.

Let's start with some basic stuff, basic info, basic need-to-know, basic yeah....

Suicide is the act of killing oneself or putting oneself in a situation that would result in their death on purpose.

Finding consistent stats on suicide is pretty difficult. According to one site, there is 1 suicide committed for every 4 suicide attempts. And there are tons of suicide attempts. Guys are most likely to die than women from attempted suicide, simply because they tend to pick guns while chicks prefer pills. Let's just say it's a number bigger than what you imagine. It could be anybody.

So, can you tell if somebody is suicidal or may be having suicidal thoughts?

Yeah, actually. Suicidal people typically don't want to kill themselves. Unless they have a more specific, understandable reason, like a terminal illness.
There are usually signs that point out that a person may be suicidal. Like they are giving their stuff away, or talking about suicide, even just joking about it may raise a red flag. A sudden change in behavior can also be a red flag. The person might suddenly be very calm after a period of depression. They might not be interested in the things they used to enjoy. Usually, if you know the person well enough, you can feel the red flags going off. Like suddenly something's not right but you deny it, you know? Self-destructive behaviors tend to end up in suicide attempts sometimes too.

 
Well, what if someone you know might be suicidal? What do you do?



You ask. No, it will not make them suicidal or push them over the edge if they are. You should seriously just ask. Like straight-out "Are you suicidal?" "Are you cutting yourself?" "Are you having suicidal thoughts?" Asking gives the person to actually talk about it, and not act out on their suicidal thoughts. And BTW "So, how are you" doesn't count as asking, simply because "fine" will almost always be the answer. JUST ASK. I wish people asked me. I have so many issues with talking about my feelings, it's not even shyness or anything. I suppose I just grew up with a distrusting heart. Just ask. Be there. Don't judge. Bring chocolate. And a blanket. (so, maybe those last two are irrelevant... but still, it wouldn't hurt)

Is there a cause for suicidal thoughts?

Well, typically suicidal people want to get away from something, like a problem, for instance. Or they just don't know what else to do. They might feel lonely, worthless, depressed, and/or meaningless. Maybe they've been abused in some way, bullied, or a loved one died, or even committed suicide. They might have experienced some type of trauma, broken up with somebody, or their addicted to drugs or alcohol. There are many reasons and to why somebody might be suicidal. They could even have a mental illness, like Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar. If they're GLBTQ then maybe they are getting fed up with the hate they homophobes and whatnot are radiating.

So, what should you get out of this? Well, for one, set down your phone, pause that video, stop talking at 200 mph, close your laptop/turn off your screen, and listen. Listen.

Silence is suicide.

Break Free

Now, this is where I will blog about seriously deep stuff in a seriously ironically non-deep sort of way. I like to keep things "cool" as I would prefer that nobody so any crying. But keep in mind that it might be anyway.

The first post will be about something that I am facing, but am starting to recover from (hopefully). No, not drugs or getting bad grades in school. I am talking about self-injury (SI). If you knew me you wouldn't even believe it. I'm the kind of person that always has something funny to say, or is always in a cheerful mood. Well, that may be all a lie, to some extent.

I started cutting in about 8th grade, but I had been self-injuring myself about a year before. By bruising myself, to be precise. I actually wrote poetry back then too, though I doubt any of it was any good. Here are two pieces I wrote:




Listen
Please hear what I'm not saying
This is life or death and I'm not playing
Hear my silent screams
Lost among my broken dreams
Behind my silenced cries
And a memory that never dies
Please listen to my silent talk
Alone I don't want to walk
Decode my cryptic language
Don't let me drown in anguish
You can help me, I know it
You're my only chance, don't blow it
I'm lost, help me find my way
Listen to the words I never say

Addicted to Pain
It couldn't be, but it was true
What was I coming to?
I was afraid, I was addicted
To the pain I self-inflicted
Depressed and unable
My life completely unstable
A sensation like fire
A hidden desire
It needed to stop, it needed to end
My broken heart needed to mend
This is what my friends advised
They really cared I realized
They couldn't see that I was scared
I was afraid, I was addicted
To the pain I self-inflicted
Every cut, imprinted in my mind
A way out is what I needed to find
Every cut, carved into my soul
A desire that burned inside like coal
I needed to fill the gap in my heart
I needed to keep it from falling apart

Artistic With Blood
I want to draw a picture, I'll draw it on my wrist
I'll draw it with a razor blade and add it to my list
I want to write a story, I'll write it with a twist
I'll write it with my blood and forget that I exist
I've got an artist internally hidden
I've got a story externally written
I like writing, I like drawing, I like dreaming
I must be lying because inside I'm screaming
The truth is I like bleeding, it's a habit, an addiction
I hate it, I love it, it's my favorite sedative self-infliction

That is the kind of stuff that I wrote during the time that I was cutting, well, honestly, I wrote worse stuff but I selected these. I started cutting before cutting became "cool," or maybe I just went to a close-minded school. I had actually never intended to tell anybody, but one person knows and it's out like wildfire.

I even came upon this site for that exhibits "emo" cuts. Honestly, I was scared as f**k. I cut because I was bullied and I had already felt worthless. I know I was mentally unstable to a certain extent. No, I wasn't in a strait jacket and I have never been in a psych ward. You couldn't even tell that I was severely depressed. But I never EXHIBITED my cuts online. I do realize I have some pictures posted above that seem to contradict me because I am portraying other people's cuts. But it's only so that you see reality, it's nowhere near to the pictures I found.
Nope.
I'm not telling you the name of the site, just because I know the curious will seek it out.

I mean seriously, that just is not how self-injury should be portrayed. It's a real problem that should not look like a competition of teenage angst. It's real. It might be somebody you know. If you need help, talk to me, send me a message: xxdat1girlxx@gmail.com. It's that simple. Chances are I'll reply in about a minute (computeraholic!). But, honestly, don't put anything online that you might regret. There are plenty of people that wouldn't mind telling a cutter to go kill themselves. Sure, there are good people out there that wouldn't, but they are more likely actually doing something to help.

Don't get me wrong, you have to reach out. Seriously, reach out. I'm not saying keep it to yourself. Just don't make yourself look like a f**ked up stereotype.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I said I'd keep this with a "cool" tone. Sorry. I'm getting emotional. The site I found apparently also exhibits the dismembered victims of the drug cartel wars in Mexico. Yeah, just like that. Sure, the truth should be known, but not made to look like that. People actually died. What for? Do be displayed online? There should be efforts to stop this. It's not funny.

Well, anyway, before I get carried away I want to end this on a hopeful note.

This is for the cutters out there. And everybody else. This is for reaching out.
Yes, I am going to make this up on the spot, bear with me.

This is for the people wish they could disappear sometimes
This is for the people that went unheard so many times
For whoever bothers to read these rhymes

Reach Out
This is for those who don't know why
Why they're here, maybe they just want to die
This is for those that need a little hope
Maybe a better way to cope
I was lost once, I thought that nobody cared
I was wrong though, to reach out I hadn't dared
Reach out, have hope, be free
Let yourself for a second see
Just all that you really can be
If somebody pulls you back
It's only because they themselves lack
And can't have you free and flying
So why not keep you from trying?
 
To all the critics that despise us
Go ahead and criticize us
I have hope and love enough to go around
Your words don't have me locked and bound

I'm tired of trying to flee
I'm finally breaking free
Watch me make it to the top
Nothing's gonna make me stop


Reach out, I'm not leaving anybody behind, are you?
Take the hand that searches for yours, always be true

Never stop reaching out
Silence kills

LOVE and HOPE for you ALL