Creative Functionality

So, since I'm sick, I've been doing a lot of reading (and lying around in semi-consciousness and sneezing my lungs to bits) and as I went through some articles on PsychologyToday I came across a lot of interesting ideas. For instance, creativity may be fueled by rejection. So, let me explain. Get a stereotypical image of high school and what do you see? Jocks and athletes to one side, sexy cheerleaders at hand. Average students clustered in groups, racially self-segregated to some extent. Outcasted "nerds" and misfits in another group, quieter than most. Artists and daydreamers and possibly drug-addicts in another group, just observing or thinking. The stereotypical image enforces the idea that creativity is brought on by rejection. Artists and 4-dimensional thinking drug addicts and daydreamers... all very creative individuals. But all outcasts. Nerds, geeks, and misfits... also creative. Also outcasts. Could it be because they are rejected, or vice versa, they are rejected because of it? Maybe both?

Other studies have been done on a different theory, more focused on the brain. According to some, creativity is a product of two usually separate brain networks working and functioning together. There's your "sleep" mode, like dreams, and your "awake" mode, when you're at work. And when they are together you get what? Daydreams! Or schizophrenia. The two brain networks don't usually work together, since it could compromise your perception of reality... but sometimes, they work fantastically and you get Steve Jobs or Bill Gates. Fascinating stuff. Now, if only I could be a bit more on the functional side....

<3

Psychotic Rage

Everybody knows somebody who can't seem to control their anger. C'mon, it's true, we are an angry people. I am. Well, rarely. But still. Very. Very. Angry. There are people who are pissed off 80% of the time, 20% of the time.... Everybody gets mad at some point. But everybody gets angry differently, I've noticed. Some people mutter profanities under their breath and let their anger simmer beneath their skin. Other people physically lash out on impulse, likely punching whoever gets in their way. Yet others lash out emotionally, which can be impulsive or planned... hurtful words, or some vengeful scheme to get back at someone. Some people take anger towards others and amplify it internally, basically coming to hate themselves. And then there are people like me, people who don't seem to feel anger at all... but one wrong word and they snap, all of that composure and self-control, lost within seconds. Surprise, surprise! 

But it happens, right? Why even bring it up? Well, today it so happened that I got very angry, and I noticed some things I didn't quite understand. For one, when I get angry I don't get mad, I get destructive-psychotic-manic-rage angry...rip-shelves-from-walls angry...punch-fists-through-the-walls-and-windows angry. You get the point. But anyway....

I noticed that every time I get incredibly angry I get very nauseous, so much that I have to hold back from just throwing up all over the place. Ew. What the hell? My vision blurs and it takes forever to go back to normal (it still hasn't and it's been like 5 hours), not that I see all that well to begin with. I wear corrective lenses for a reason. So I did research, mainly consisting of typing it into Google and clicking on the first few links of the results. 

Anger, directly associated with stress and arousal, triggers the "fight or flight" response. The eyes become dilated (causing blurry vision) or constricted. The digestive process stops, so you either throw up or get a burning sensation in your stomach (due to elevated levels of stomach acid trying to speed things along). You're beginning to be prepared to fight for your life if need be, something better done on an empty stomach. Pain signals to your brain get cut off, the probable reason people in fights take so many blows without seeming to feel anything. Adrenaline starts pumping, your heart starts racing, and your blood pressure goes up... likely the cause of the "pounding in your ears" when you're angry or upset. 

Unfortunately, the angrier you get, the worse the crash will be. You end up with a killer headache and no good decisions. So much for effective fighting skills. Well, that is all for now. I have a headache, but I am finally exhausted enough to sleep for a bit, a truly rare joy. 

Goodnight <3

Peace out

Fight For What You Deserve, Not What You Cannot Earn

Man, I just realized that I used to listen to some incredibly angry and depressing music. Like, wow. I was a fucked up person. Listening to this stuff again, and honestly, it still hits some deep dark place in my soul. Listening to "Don't Jump" by Tokio Hotel... still a tear-jerking experience. I still love listening to Evans Blue though, and Plumb. Gotta love Plumb. I have been listening to a wide variety of artists though.

My taste in music is everything from Luke Bryan, Lindsey Stirling, and Alana Grace to Hannah Peel, Beyoncé, and Lana Del Rey. Alternative rock, trance, R&B, metalcore, Christian rock (I don't understand the genre classification... I mean, non-Christians can listen to it, and well, it really doesn't sound that different from alternative rock. Brings up the question... is there a Catholic rock genre someplace? Maybe an Islam Rock genre? I don't get it) and I also listen to country music sometimes. 

It's never easy answering the question "What kind of music do you like?" I figure I may as well say, "I like good music, and music is good."

All music has it's moment. You cannot have a theme song for your life, there's too much in it to sum up in a song. Instead, you need a soundtrack for your life. Just like movies need soundtracks. I'm not particularly fond of Justin Bieber, but even his "That Should Be Me" song fits into my life sometimes. 

Music is a drug, a psychological elixir. It can bring you up, it can bring you down, and it can drive you crazy (in a good way... or in a reckless way, both being fun anyway). Listening to The Shins, Sarah Blasko, Artist vs Poet, and Change of Pace... completes me. There isn't a single time I've listened to "Runaway" (Artist vs Poet) without having longed to run away. Society is a fucking stressful piece of shit. I fucking hate it all sometimes. How can people live in this modern era of shallow/lifeless/unfulfilled lives? 

I just don't understand any of this, not anything. Being on the Internet all the time doesn't make me feel good, it makes me depressed and tired as fuck. There is nothing awesome about being tired. There is nothing cool about people working all their lives at some worthless job, getting nowhere, doing nothing. There is nothing fun about this stagnant soul-crushing routine people call life. Wake up, Work, Eat, Back to Sleep. What kind of life is that? What is pulling me down into all of this? School doesn't make me feel prepared for life, I hardly think it prepares me at all. An "A+" on some stupid paper didn't teach me to survive, it didn't give me any experience. Education is valuable, but education involves learning, and well, school doesn't involve learning. I'm not a silicon chip, I can't be programmed or standardized. Putting me through the system hasn't made me a better, more well-rounded person.

Fucking shit up has made me a better, more well-rounded person. Reading some Commandments (no offense) hasn't made me a more humble person. Pain has made me a more humble person. Standardized tests have not made me smarter. My (various and numerous) mistakes have made me smarter. Outlines and rules have not made me a better writer. Feeling and being passionate about my writing has made me a better writer. I have experienced the most joyous of emotions because I have experienced the lowest as well. You don't know solitude until you know loneliness. You don't know happiness until you know sadness. Wanting to live as much as I do did not come from my happiest memories, it came from my darkest, most suicidal moments. 

So, why don't we run away?

You don't know freedom until you know what it feels like without it.  But in the end, it's all up to you. There are people who have sold their house and things to live a life of travel. Sometimes they struggle to make ends meet, but I can guarantee you that some of those people could be no happier, no more fulfilled and full of life. These are people who ran after what they wanted, not what other people wanted. Sure, helping others is good. But even selflessness is selfishness. People help other people and it makes them feel better. You exchanged your help/services for a feeling. It was a trade, not a sacrifice. A sacrifice is giving something up. You LOSE something and gain NOTHING. 

I don't know about you, but I think a life of "sacrifice" is just another way of saying suicide. How can anybody be expected to survive if they give all and get nothing? It is a regressive attitude that cannot possibly end well. 

I've heard of religions in which the religion basically asks for everything that you have, house, cars, money, everything. You may as well give them your life if you're going to consent to that. A religion is a system of beliefs, it should be focused on mind, body, soul, spirit, whatever... not your money. Materialistic greed is NOT an example to be followed. It is not a worthy cause to devote your life to. It is not a worthy cause for you to die for. 

I always hear people tell me, "Well, this life doesn't matter, only the afterlife and heaven/hell matters." What? So, that's a good reason to waste your life? Did the existence of an afterlife automatically render life on Earth meaningless, useless, worthless? You should at least be motivated to be better for your own pleasure.

The problem is that people no longer fight for what they deserve. People only fight for what they don't earn.

So tell me, what are you fighting for?

The Adverse Effects

Time is going by too slowly if you ask me. I am somewhere between a heart attack and a panic attack. Oh Fear, how I hate you so. If you knew me, the idea that I'd be all that afraid of anything would be a bit surprising. You'd probably assume that the few fears I have would go along the lines of "fear of serial killers and painful death" or something like that. And most of the time it is that way. I don't always have extreme reactions stemming from fear, but I definitely do. Fear/anxiety is a powerful emotion, and if you let it get to you, it can knock you out. I swear, whose side is my brain on anyway?

Let's take a perfectly normal fear of mine, however not so scary, like my fear of spiders. Usually, spiders just creep me out. Too many legs, too many eyes. But sometimes, like if I see an especially big spider, maybe a grass spider or a hobo spider... I just lose it. As in, the-whole-anxiety-attack-checklist-lose-it. Tremors, twitches, muscle numbness, dry mouth, clammy skin, shortness of breath, blurred vision, maybe some crying spells, weakness... yep, all of it. Saying that I react badly would be a serious underestimation. But what's weird as that this doesn't always happen.

Sure, I worry a lot. I avoid a lot of different situations out of anxiety. (Ironically, I kind of like public speaking... though apparently that ranks high on the anxiety scale). Like, I don't like lines. Not as in pencil lines, but as in people lines. I really don't like standing in line. I haven't been through the cafeteria line at school for like 4+ years, besides maybe once or twice. Sounds kind of extreme, and for a while even a teacher was concerned because I would not eat. I don't know, maybe she thought I'd get an eating disorder? I forget to eat sometimes, but it's never on purpose. I just forget things a lot.

Good thing I don't have to consciously remember to breathe. Anyway, I am now nearing 72 hours of total sleep deprivation, which means that I'm starting to get the minor hallucinations and typical paranoia. Minor because I see things, but at the same time I don't. I just get glimpses of things that don't exist. Another day and I'll get the real deal, unfortunately. Stuff really gets interesting then. Books will flip open, but not really. Pencils will curl and twist, but not really. The floor will sway and dip, but not really. People will whisper to me, but not really. Spiders everywhere, but not really. Patterns on the carpet will coil and twist, but not really. You get the point. After six days, well, you're a real mess. You start micro sleeping for seconds without even noticing. You're brain will literally shut off without the least bit warning, something like losing consciousness or blanking out for half a second. You can't keep track of anything, you forget everything. You no longer have the 1st all-nighter jitters, you just look like a drug-addict. 

I would give anything for some restful sleep. And not like what you get with insomnia meds. I mean REAL sleep that doesn't involve extreme grogginess and dizziness.

Might as well document this experience. Well, a good night to all you people that sleep. My empathy to the people that cannot. You'd think something as simple as sleeping would be easy. But man, insomnia is a bitch.

<3 Love you all.

Don't Judge What You Don't Understand

You know what I want? I want a marimo moss ball. A tiny one. A what? Well, a marimo moss ball is basically just that, a moss ball. Taking care of it, since it's obviously alive, is simple enough. You just change the tap water every 1-2 weeks. Apparently, it brings fortune or good luck or something like that to it's owners, according to Japanese belief. I just think it's adorable.

Click for the link! @Etsy.com

It can be on a necklace, in a bowl, whatever.

Click for the link! @Etsy.com

Yeah, I don't know why I can't just be normal and want a puppy or a kitten.... But don't get me wrong, I pride myself on being unique, if not just plain weird. I like to think of myself as artistically inclined. 

Here's my energy drink collection so far :) Not much, but I don't like many energy drink flavors. Fake juice is not a cool flavor.

And here's my future baby...

Black Boss 557-Foose Wheels (Mustang)

But anyway, I'm bored. As usual, it's somewhere around midnight or something. My arm hurts from giving blood... not because of the process so much as because I think they put the needle in wrong. I almost fainted anyway. That'll be a first when it happens. The nurses looked at me as if I was weird for not complaining, but by then my mind had gone into a magical winter wonderland and they thought I would surely pass out. But me? Faint? Ha! 

Bored again. You know, I've been reading a lot lately. Nothing in particular, just anything in general, from Goosebumps to Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, and medical encyclopedias to history books. I've realized that when you sleep an average of 3 hours per night, it's best to at least do something with all the extra time. Even if it's hardly productive or useful. They say I have insomnia, but I don't think I will ever believe it. I just don't want labels, not even if they are true. Labels are forever, and these kind of labels aren't even the good kind. 

I know, I know, I probably talk about it a lot. But I can hardly help it, it's what's on my mind most nights.

Oh, and by the way, here's a rainbow cupcake!

So, anyway, I want to go see the Grand Prismatic Spring. It looks awesome, and totally dangerous, but still totally awesome.

And I kind of also want a bacon cheeseburger, but my real weakness is still a chicken sandwich and Ferrero Rocher chocolates. I also want a tattoo. I don't really care that my parents would skin me alive and boil me in acid or that it's socially still kind of frowned upon. It'll be my problem if I can't find a job, nobody else's. I'm an artist anyway, I know better than to get a crappy tattoo that wouldn't suit me well. Why does everybody have to be so judgmental? 

Yes, I can draw very well, but no, I don't want to be another Picasso or anything. I don't want to be a copy of anybody. Yes, I kind of hate religion, but not actually religiously devoted people. I just hate war, and it magically happens to be at the core of conflict at times. I would be fine with it if people could just coexist with their different beliefs. I mean, it's not up to you to try and "save" anybody. Let everybody choose their own future. Leave them be. Unless they become serial killers and mass murderers, in that case, lock 'em up for all eternity. Yes, I am a spiritual person, but no, not in a religious way. I believe that nature and what is natural can heal people. Not necessarily in a hippy way. But I do believe in the metaphysical properties of gemstones. I mean, who doesn't think beaches and secluded natural springs are peaceful and relaxing?

I would love to spend my days sitting at the edge of a shallow creek, scanning the riverbed for interesting pebbles. I mean, it's all so simple, yet complex. Not many people go out and walk in the rain anymore, even though it's so beautiful that I don't understand why not. Nature can heal. It is a foundation for all that is good. If somebody really wanted to "find themselves" they would go on a road trip across the country, not consult a self-help book written by somebody that doesn't even know you. How could they possibly know about your nature and purpose? Only you would know that. And if you don't it isn't because it's lost. Your identity is just deep within you, and you need self-confidence to know it. 

Who is anybody to judge anybody else anyway? I can't speak for other people, I can only speak for myself and my beliefs. So what if my ideas are contradictory? It's nobody's problem but mine. But what I don't like is when people die over ideas. I'll respect you if you die for your ideas, but not if you kill for them. Die for your beliefs, but do not kill for them. Other people have the right to live, even if you don't want to. 

It applies to different things in life too. Do you know how many babies are aborted each year? Do you know how many survived being aborted but were left scarred for life due to it, with conditions and paralysis? Do you know how many of those unplanned pregnancies could have been prevented, or how many of those babies could have at least been placed for adoption? They don't hesitate in abort the baby, and then they get depressed, because what they did is wrong. Screw pro-choice. It's just a stupid excuse to not deal with the consequences of your actions. You're 15 and you got knocked up and impregnated by your 10th boyfriend in the past year? Live with it. Man the fuck up. And if you can't, place the baby for adoption. The baby never did anything to deserve irresponsible parents. I mean, have you ever seen an aborted baby?? Seriously. There is scientific evidence that it felt the fucking knife rip it limb from limb, and it's still debatable?? 

Yeah, I know that picture is graphic. So? It's real. And abortion doesn't even end there, at 10 weeks. A fetus can practically be at point of birth and people will still abort it, lopping of it's head. I mean, did you ever wonder HOW they did it? The baby did not simply cease to exist, you know. There are various ways, you could poison the baby with a salt solution and watch him die for over an hour, though he might survive with all sorts of neurological damage. Another way is to slice them up, cut off the hand, or suck the brain out through an incision in the nape of the neck. Is it too graphic for you? Too inhuman? Too horrible?? Well, that's reality for you. What's worse is that you could have saved a life by simply choosing to give the baby up to a loving family. Sure, you'd be haunted by the fact that you gave them up, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad as being haunted by the fact that you killed them.

Sometimes, I just don't like living in our society.

And sure, I know life isn't all bad. But sometimes that is all that I can see. I don't think I have "depression," I just think I see too much. Ironically enough, I wear corrective lenses. But how can I stop myself from seeing? Ignorance might be bliss, but it's too late to take knowledge back.

My life is not nearly as bad as the lives of some people. I'm still trying to understand why poor people tend to be happier too... how people can remain so untouched by the negative aspects of tragic situations. 

I don't know. I always start out fine, but then I start thinking. Thinking too much has always been a problem for me, I guess that's also why I can never sleep. Well, maybe my mental and physical exhaustion will bring me sleep. I shall at least try..

Goodnight, my fellow human and non-human beings. Hasta luego!

Buying a Lifestyle

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in life. Money is nice, success would be wonderful, happiness would be most exceptional. Can I have it all? Do I even want it? People would ask me, what do you want to be? I always reply, "I want to be a multi-billionaire," to which they'd always give me this incredulous look, like I'd just said something so shallow and ambitious and childlike that it was shocking. So, they'd say, "What for?" to which I would say, "So that I can afford to be poor." This puzzles a lot of people.

I don't necessarily mean that I want to be homeless or anything. I just want to afford a simple lifestyle, free or worry. I don't want to struggle to make ends meet every week, but I certainly don't want to lead a filthy-rich, flamboyant lifestyle, ya know? I want the money to be a well-handled secret. That way, I won't be troubled so much by people trying to separate me from my money, befriending me for the sole purpose of selfish materialistic gain.

I just want financial security, enough to hold me up and my wildest dreams. I want to be able to drop everything and take a road trip just because I can. I won't show up in Las Vegas, trying to act like I own the place. I just want to travel quietly, admiring life in other places. Life is full of enough worries as it is. You lose friends, miss payments, lose money, fail, get back-stabbed, and you move on. I have done a lot of moving on, and while a lot of painful things have happened to me, I would not take anything back. My experiences have made me who I am, they shaped my personality. There is no happiness without sadness, no solitude without loneliness, and no success without failure. It hurts, sure, there's no doubt about that. But that's life.

Well, yeah. Anyway... bye. Heheh.

That "F@ck This Sh#t" Attitude

Saturday. If only I had slept in. I could really use a sleep-coma right about now. I have so much stuff to do I'm starting to get that "fuck this shit" attitude about everything. Kind of disappointing. I thought I'd have everything together now, but no. But whatever, right? The whole deal with the Boston Marathon bombing on Monday makes my issues pale in comparison, unfortunately. If only problems only got as bad as mine, then things wouldn't be so bad.

Some cool OBEY(R) print/thing.

It is really hard for me to grasp my mind around events like that. I can understand mental illness, but not violence due to religious issues. I know the US has had dark moments in the past, horrible atrocities and crimes, but I'd like to see what country doesn't. I'd like to see which country is doing so fucking well, where life is just some candy land fantasy. There's no such place. The US has made bad decisions, sure. Everybody has. The hate and misunderstanding of Americans is NO EXCUSE to kill. I don't get why people justify killing because they are different. Your Christian, I'm pagan, and you think I'm going to hell? So be it. I'm Catholic, your Christian, and I think your religion is an incomplete version of mines? So what? It shouldn't matter that damn much. There is no need to kill. Killing should ONLY be justified by survival, in defense of your own life. But you shouldn't just go kill everybody that doesn't think like you. Oh, you don't like the color blue? SHOOT. Oh, you like Justin Bieber? SHOOT. Oh, you don't think tacos are amazing? SHOOT.

Human lives are worth more than that.

The hell is wrong with humanity nowadays? Why act so primitively? Like frightened animals that attack everything out of fear?

And on top of that, there are people that are saying 9/11 and the Boston Marathon bombings are government setups and that the victims were actors. I don't care how good your movie makeup artists are, I'm sure they can't just make your fucking leg disappear. That's computer work. And the bombing was recent. More than 25 people ended up with one or both legs amputated. Their blood was SPLATTERED on the damn asphalt! You have no fucking consideration if you have the guts to go talk like that while people are suffering and struggling to cope with their new reality. People DIED in that bombing. The nation took a hit that day. You are an asshole if you want to say that this event was "victimless." Did they want to see it with their own eyes? The carnage? It makes no sense to me.

But, as terrible as it is, I think tragedy is the best teacher. Nothing happens until something goes wrong. Altogether, I think this year and last year are some bloody violent years. Many of the years before too. Mexico goes down with drug cartel gang wars and hundreds, thousands, die. Newtown. Babies die. They were kindergarteners, just babies. Innocent children, dammit. Shows how prepared we are, doesn't it? I can just buy a big military automatic weapon, force my way into a school, and shoot everybody up. The bombing. Everything. Just so much bloody violence.

Sorry, you guys. I just really am not up for life right now. Like I mentioned, it's that "fuck this shit" attitude that's got me going, you know it. It's that feeling you get when you wait up and you just want to punch somebody and go back to sleep because you're not ready to deal with life. It's one of those days. Hell, it's been like that for quite some days now. Somebody should message me and tell me all about themselves or any random thing 'cause right now I don't have time for my own life. I'd rather listen to other people and watch movies and read books that take you away.

 

I can't be the only one who loses faith in humanity, right? Sometimes, I just have my doubts about people. We don't seem to be moving forward. I don't seem to be moving forward. Everything seems like a stupid cycle of going through the motions. I can't be the only one who sees this, right?

I guess it doesn't matter.

Later, my anons, the strangers that somehow manage to restore my faith in humanity, you great people. I love you guys, you know that right? Friends are family, man. Strangers are hope. 

PEACE OUT.