Buying a Lifestyle

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in life. Money is nice, success would be wonderful, happiness would be most exceptional. Can I have it all? Do I even want it? People would ask me, what do you want to be? I always reply, "I want to be a multi-billionaire," to which they'd always give me this incredulous look, like I'd just said something so shallow and ambitious and childlike that it was shocking. So, they'd say, "What for?" to which I would say, "So that I can afford to be poor." This puzzles a lot of people.

I don't necessarily mean that I want to be homeless or anything. I just want to afford a simple lifestyle, free or worry. I don't want to struggle to make ends meet every week, but I certainly don't want to lead a filthy-rich, flamboyant lifestyle, ya know? I want the money to be a well-handled secret. That way, I won't be troubled so much by people trying to separate me from my money, befriending me for the sole purpose of selfish materialistic gain.

I just want financial security, enough to hold me up and my wildest dreams. I want to be able to drop everything and take a road trip just because I can. I won't show up in Las Vegas, trying to act like I own the place. I just want to travel quietly, admiring life in other places. Life is full of enough worries as it is. You lose friends, miss payments, lose money, fail, get back-stabbed, and you move on. I have done a lot of moving on, and while a lot of painful things have happened to me, I would not take anything back. My experiences have made me who I am, they shaped my personality. There is no happiness without sadness, no solitude without loneliness, and no success without failure. It hurts, sure, there's no doubt about that. But that's life.

Well, yeah. Anyway... bye. Heheh.

That "F@ck This Sh#t" Attitude

Saturday. If only I had slept in. I could really use a sleep-coma right about now. I have so much stuff to do I'm starting to get that "fuck this shit" attitude about everything. Kind of disappointing. I thought I'd have everything together now, but no. But whatever, right? The whole deal with the Boston Marathon bombing on Monday makes my issues pale in comparison, unfortunately. If only problems only got as bad as mine, then things wouldn't be so bad.

Some cool OBEY(R) print/thing.

It is really hard for me to grasp my mind around events like that. I can understand mental illness, but not violence due to religious issues. I know the US has had dark moments in the past, horrible atrocities and crimes, but I'd like to see what country doesn't. I'd like to see which country is doing so fucking well, where life is just some candy land fantasy. There's no such place. The US has made bad decisions, sure. Everybody has. The hate and misunderstanding of Americans is NO EXCUSE to kill. I don't get why people justify killing because they are different. Your Christian, I'm pagan, and you think I'm going to hell? So be it. I'm Catholic, your Christian, and I think your religion is an incomplete version of mines? So what? It shouldn't matter that damn much. There is no need to kill. Killing should ONLY be justified by survival, in defense of your own life. But you shouldn't just go kill everybody that doesn't think like you. Oh, you don't like the color blue? SHOOT. Oh, you like Justin Bieber? SHOOT. Oh, you don't think tacos are amazing? SHOOT.

Human lives are worth more than that.

The hell is wrong with humanity nowadays? Why act so primitively? Like frightened animals that attack everything out of fear?

And on top of that, there are people that are saying 9/11 and the Boston Marathon bombings are government setups and that the victims were actors. I don't care how good your movie makeup artists are, I'm sure they can't just make your fucking leg disappear. That's computer work. And the bombing was recent. More than 25 people ended up with one or both legs amputated. Their blood was SPLATTERED on the damn asphalt! You have no fucking consideration if you have the guts to go talk like that while people are suffering and struggling to cope with their new reality. People DIED in that bombing. The nation took a hit that day. You are an asshole if you want to say that this event was "victimless." Did they want to see it with their own eyes? The carnage? It makes no sense to me.

But, as terrible as it is, I think tragedy is the best teacher. Nothing happens until something goes wrong. Altogether, I think this year and last year are some bloody violent years. Many of the years before too. Mexico goes down with drug cartel gang wars and hundreds, thousands, die. Newtown. Babies die. They were kindergarteners, just babies. Innocent children, dammit. Shows how prepared we are, doesn't it? I can just buy a big military automatic weapon, force my way into a school, and shoot everybody up. The bombing. Everything. Just so much bloody violence.

Sorry, you guys. I just really am not up for life right now. Like I mentioned, it's that "fuck this shit" attitude that's got me going, you know it. It's that feeling you get when you wait up and you just want to punch somebody and go back to sleep because you're not ready to deal with life. It's one of those days. Hell, it's been like that for quite some days now. Somebody should message me and tell me all about themselves or any random thing 'cause right now I don't have time for my own life. I'd rather listen to other people and watch movies and read books that take you away.

 

I can't be the only one who loses faith in humanity, right? Sometimes, I just have my doubts about people. We don't seem to be moving forward. I don't seem to be moving forward. Everything seems like a stupid cycle of going through the motions. I can't be the only one who sees this, right?

I guess it doesn't matter.

Later, my anons, the strangers that somehow manage to restore my faith in humanity, you great people. I love you guys, you know that right? Friends are family, man. Strangers are hope. 

PEACE OUT.

Potential

Sometimes, I wonder why people tell you that you have so much potential. They say things like, "Wow, you are so talented, you have so much potential!" and whatnot. And I wonder... is it a good thing? Does it mean anything? Everybody has potential, you see. From the moment they are born and they take that first breath, they have potential. Potential to be a doctor someday, a biochemist, a genius, a good friend, a criminal, a firefighter, a killer.... Everybody has potential, whether for good or bad. But to me, telling somebody that they have potential is like giving them an unreachable standard. Suddenly, algebra is not adequate, calculus is required. But life is full of requirements, so why should it change anything? Well, you see, there will always be people like me. People who overanalyze the situation, who think to much, who don't sleep... people who could do better... but for some reason just don't. It frustrates me sometimes that people look at me as if I'm going to grow up to be somebody really important, somebody with an abundance of talent and skill and success. They look at me like that because I have all this POTENTIAL. So.. what happens if I don't add up to all of this? What happens then?

You see, I don't think pointing out the obvious, potential, is doing anybody any favors. Nowadays, everybody is screwed over, not so much by each other as by themselves. Yeah, everybody can be better, everybody can improve... they have that potential. But how is it nice or even just considerate to go about like "Great job! You can do better?" Imagine putting your sweat and tears into a task just to have somebody tell you "you can do better" afterwards. Just no matter what "you can do better." You'd probably get pissed after a while. There's only so much inadequacy that a person can feel, after all. And who's to tell you that you are inadequate anyway? Nobody is reaching their full potential, it's just like perfection, always just a bit aways.

But maybe I'm wrong. It's possible. I mean, people do think I'm just a little bit crazy. They say it's a "good" crazy, whatever that means. But I guess I'm just weird. Not crazy, but all over the place. Euphoria one second, depression the next. Rage and anger, then contentment. Anxious, then over-confident. Yet I have all this potential. How does that work? I'm stubborn and don't like change all that much, yet people expect me to be a great success? I'd probably get a panic attack learning to drive (something I should have learned like 4 years ago), yet people see success.... I'm starting to think potential isn't all that much of a realistic goal. It includes too much. Potential extends far beyond to include too much. Everybody has the potential to be as intelligent as Einstein... but not everybody is there. If we have so much damn potential, then why isn't world hunger solved? Why isn't the economy prospering like some heavenly paradise of wealth and happiness? Why aren't we innovating? Creating? Fixing? Curing? I would think a world of potential would be making a lot more progress than this.

Maybe we're just seeing this all wrong. Expectation aren't all that bad. Potential isn't all that bad. Nothing is all that bad. But it should be regulated. Too many expectations isn't all that good, and neither is having too few. Progress would be encouraged, not expected. Nowadays, the world runs on instant-this and instant-that, instant information, the Internet. People get frustrated with a 1 minute download. A minute. One fucking minute. Is that really all that much? You've been alive for quite a number of minutes. Each hour has sixty minutes, each minute sixty seconds. Each day 24 hours. And one minute is apparently just too much. I went to Illinois once, visiting family. Basically, I had no technology with me, other than my iPod. I believe I didn't have a phone yet, or maybe it was broken, but I didn't have it. But for that time, I literally went days without updating my Facebook status. I went days without checking my email. I went days without television. And honestly, those were some pretty good days. I didn't give a fuck about the Internet. I could've watched movies, but altogether, I only watched one. I was honestly content without all of this stuff that everybody so desperately "needs." I didn't get on Tumblr, I don't even have a Tumblr. I didn't blog, this blog didn't even exist yet. The sheer thought of blogging had not even crossed my mind before.

I ate real food and I actually slept throughout the night and woke up feeling like a million bucks. I don't know all of the answers, I don't even have all of the right questions. But we're losing something. It makes me feel so ridiculously old to talk like that, like I'm a million years old and I've witnessed the generations throughout the years. But it's true, we're losing something. Maybe we're becoming desensitized to our own lives and surroundings, maybe we're becoming apathetic, ignorant, stupid, careless, lazy...etc. I don't know, maybe it's a combination of all of that. But we're all losing something, and it becomes more and more apparent in each new generation. It's kind of crazy that I'm seeing this. Shouldn't I be another generational screw-up? I shouldn't think so much, I'm starting to feel that I've already lived and I'm ready to go now. I'll be 18 soon. The age at which I magically transition into being an "adult." Yay, I can't wait to get insurances, pay off bills and mortgages, pay off college, pay taxes. Man, it even costs money to die. It's kind of funny. Having a baby in the United States costs thousands of dollars. I wasn't born in the US, I was only $150. Makes me wonder where those thousands of dollars go. I mean, what the heck did that doctor do? Farmers monitor animals giving birth and I'm sure it didn't cost them thousands of dollars in effort. The only one who is putting forward that kind of effort is the mother!

That's life, huh? It costs hundreds of dollars to go to a doctor to have them tell you nothing is wrong with you after a 10 minute examination and a 3-hour wait in the waiting room, a room that only held two other people even. It's no wonder my mother always says, "Here, in the US, you can be dying and they turn you away like nothing." In Mexico, if you pay they treat you. But also, in Mexico they are not afraid to treat you. In the US, I imagine the doctors are very afraid. Any small mistake and they end up in court. They get sued for the death of people who died of old age I bet. People here, they can never accept that it may have been that person's time to go. In Mexico, that what they say. "It was their time." But don't get me wrong. They don't do everything right in Mexico, quite obviously. You can get gunned down and nobody will be a witness. Suddenly, nobody saw anything. Your neighbor could be a murderer and everybody knows... but as soon as you ask them, no idea. They'll walk away from injustice like it's ohkay, while here in the US, people overreact and think EVERYTHING is an injustice.

But that's life, for better and worse.

PEACE OUT, mis hermanos!

The Human Experience

Seeing as tomorrow is Self-Injury Awareness Day, I thought it would only be right for me to dedicate a post to it. I'm not the best, or the worst, of people and I've had my share of good times and bad times... occasionally not being able to tell the difference anymore. Tomorrow will be March 1st, 2013, a single day from our long 365-day year. I think it isn't too much to ask that we keep self-harmers/cutters and the people close to them in our hearts. I think that sometimes we need to be reminded of how frail life is and how beautiful it can be.

We have to learn from our pain, grow from it. Honestly, I think it may be the only way to truly make progress, not to be morbid or pessimistic. I've come to realize that after recovering from significant desolation... the world is much more beautiful than one can imagine. Suddenly, everything is in full color and all I can think is... why isn't everybody overjoyed with this one-of-a-kind experience?? So, I ask you... is it so hard to believe that there can be no beauty without pain, no happiness without pain?

I read this book once, Dahlia's Gone by Katie Estill... it's a good book, sure, but it also has so much meaning and truth.

It isn't everyday you come upon a book like that. To sum it up, the lives of three women are joined through the murder of a daughter. Their lives are consumed, tearing them apart, only to be reunited by the disheartening truth of justice. You might be asking yourself how the heck it is possible to be inspired by murder and crime and tragedy, but I can explain. I find meaning in the novel through the fact that no matter how badly things get for the characters, things still manage to look up in the end. Obviously, the murdered character did not come back to life and much struggle remained, but there is that moment in which you feel everything is going to be alright regardless of everything else. It's about being able to find the ability to smile through your own tears.

I think it's important that people know of this, that they know how beautiful recovery is. But don't get me wrong, I didn't wake up one day and find myself in a perfect parallel world or anything. I just woke up to the sound of rain against the windows and realized that everything was so incredibly beautiful. The grass, the secluded streets... everything. For a second, all of the problems in my life became manageable... even forgotten. There is no absolute pain, no pain so harsh that life and existence is void. There is pain so agonizing that we mistakenly perceive it as being absolute though. It isn't easy to see the brighter side of things if you've fallen so deep into the shadows. It isn't easy being happy, pretending to be happy, or even being simply sociable at times. Sometimes, it's just so hard to exist. 

You have to know the difference between LIVING and BEING ALIVE. There is a difference between LONELINESS and SOLITUDE. There is a difference between what YOU see and what I see. BUT...there is no difference between WHAT I am and WHAT you are. HUMAN.

I don't claim to know everything, or that I will ever even get close. I don't claim to be the best person, the nicest, or even the most genuine at times. But everybody has flaws, and those flaws make us unique. Tomorrow isn't just a day for self-injury awareness... it's a day for human awareness... for acknowledging the pain of somebody other than yourself... for extending a hand to somebody... for simply acknowledging their existence and valuing their worth as human equals. It is about time we put down our phones, looked up from our laptops, and realized that there are PEOPLE around you. There is life all around you if you bother to look.

Every book is the sweat and tears of an author, a glimpse into a different world, and a message. People don't go through the frustration of writing good books for the heck of it. Each plant, each tree, each form of life is a delicately balanced life form in a frail ecosystem. Human beings. We are not machines meant to sit around all day, living a life of nothingness, interacting in the most meaningless of ways... we are human beings. Tomorrow is March 1st, 2013... Self-Injury Awareness day. To me, it is a chance to represent an idea much bigger than myself, it is the chance to represent humanity at its best... a chance to represent the value of the human experience.

Tomorrow is March 1st, 2013. Self-Injury Awareness Day.

I've just told you what it is to me.

What is it to you?

Addicted

I have no idea why I'm awake early on a Saturday morning, but I am, so I may as well write. What could I possibly write about? Hmm, well the only thing on my mind right now is that I need more Advil and that's it's way too quiet.
So, I guess I'll write about addictions. No, idea how I got that topic, but I bet it's because I wouldn't mind drinking until I fell back to sleep.

So, what the hell is an addiction?

Well, the dictionary says: the fact of condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity. That is very unhelpful.

My definition is that addiction is a condition of being addicted (dependent) on something to the point that you can't function totally fine.

Now, why should I care about anybody with an addiction? It's their fault isn't it? 

Let me tell you something about me. I am the kind of person who trades one bad habit for another. I realize that it's kind of my fault, but I could never tell you how it starts. It's not like an on/off switch.. where you're either have an addiction or you don't. I never knew I was addicted to anything until it got so bad other people would have to intervene or tell me. Why do you think people who have addictions don't think they have addictions? Some are in denial and others really just never saw it hit them.
Maybe it is their fault for having had tried it even once, but you can't blame everything on an error of judgment. People don't get high thinking "Let's get addicted!" Nobody thinks about addiction while they down that last shot of tequila while desperately trying to forget a failed relationship.
Nobody thinks about addiction. You know why?
'Cause nobody ever sees it happening to them.

And that mindset applies to other things too. Like, nobody thinks their child will cancer, or that their new wife will be  killed in a car accident, or that they'll get some rare disease nobody has ever heard about. Nobody thinks it could happen to them. So, when it does it takes everybody by surprise.

Also, the way I see it, people can get addicted to anything... as long as it hinders their ability to function normally. So, unless your Internet addiction is keeping you from eating from day to day, or basically doing ANYTHING at all from day to day, you're not addicted.

Now, I just wish I knew the ultimate solution to addiction, but I don't. There are so many factors involved. In the end, the only sure-fire way not to get addicted to something is not to try it, and the only way to get rid of an addiction is to stop. Just like in the end of the day the only way to lose weight in a healthy way is to eat healthy and exercise. There's no avoiding it. But willpower also plays a part. You have to WANT to get out of an addiction, you have to WANT it so fucking much. 

But why should you want to? I mean, the factors are real enough. Maybe your friends want you to do drugs or something... why risk losing that acceptance, those friendships, and that sense of belonging? Maybe your life simply sucks, and it takes the pain away. Maybe... if you could just hide it.. but you can't. Eventually, they all find out. So, simple. Maybe everybody's doing it, even your parents... so it's alright.. right?

But let me tell you something. Not once, not even once, did something truly good happen solely because of an addiction. I never discovered the meaning of life in a high, nor did I realize something truly meaningful about anything. All i ever realized is that it surrounds you with pain... not necessarily your own either. Suddenly, the people you care about the most are the ones that you can't help but keep hurting over and over again. They become the subjects of your angry outbursts and suddenly, you seem to be saying the most hurtful things ever to everybody. Why? Because you feel like shit and now everybody hurts.

Then everybody starts to leave, because you aren't getting better and you don't want to. They simply get tired of you. Then, the people you cared about most, they are all gone... and you get stuck with this empty feeling that no number of times you get high or drunk or anything can make you forget.

So, tell me... why WOULDN'T you want to get rid of an addiction?

Happiness in a Bottle, Drawings, and a Kitten

Well, I've been drawing. But for the most part I've been wasting my life, which I do often. But for somebody who wastes their time, procrastinates, and lacks motivation, I still manage to be on track fairly well, getting (most) of my schoolwork done and occasionally interacting with fellow human beings.

Sketch #1

Sketch #2

See? I drew stuff, I was somewhat productive!
Well, that's just an update (sort of) 'bout my artistic life. Well, I have to say, I do have larger, more awesome, drawings that I could sell. I occasionally sell my work, but typically it gets whisked away by my school and submitted into exhibitions, where it stays for months (and even years) at a time. They become entries in competitions and whatnot and must be kept safely at school. But hopefully, seeing as I have so much damn time to use, I'll draw a few pieces to sell.

For a real update about me, which should not concern you, is well, I'm actually considering anti-depressants (Oh god). I mean, I don't like the idea of taking something that is chemically engineered to mess with my head.

But I always have my moments, when everything is so dark and desolate that life (and even reality) become painfully surreal. It's times like those that push me too far to the edge. But the think is, it's not like I feel like that every six months or so, it's a maddeningly frequent experience, as in everyday for part of the day or most of the week.

Like, seriously, if my day was an emotional forecast it would be something like: Optimistic morning with a chance of suicidal, anger, or empty bleakness and sarcasm. I figured it's only a matter of time before I do something really stupid (something I always manage to do).

But maybe it would be better, you know? Just take a pill and suddenly you feel better, confident, in destructively awesome! Sounds good, no? But I'm an artist, therefore I worry about my creative genius. I wouldn't want to mess that up by being happy, now would I? It just seems like I need it sometimes, 'cause honestly I think I'm going to graduate, freak out, and off myself in an overly unnecessary downward spiral of events.

Also, I don't want to fuel an economy that thrives on a cycle of depressed and anxious people. It would suck if I became trapped in the system, doomed to getting therapy and meds forever. What's the deal anyway? Therapy costs a lot of money, and honestly, I don't feel that money is getting put to any good use. I don't have meaningful conversations that prompt life-changing goals and hope with my therapist. All I do is fake a genuine conversation. It's not that hard, you learn how by talking to people you don't really like. You just say a bunch of shit that everybody else says or agrees to.

But on a lighter note, here's a kitty!

It is an awesome kitty. I wish it was my kitty, 'cause it's just so damn cute.

Peace out.

Have Hope

Well, It's been quite a while since I've made a post.
First of all, I think we all need some hope, even if by "we" I really just mean "me."

I mean, everybody just seems so hopeless lately. I read this blog, and the way they wrote it (past tense) made me think that their tragic story had ended as that, a tragic story. But it was not so. Fortunately, they are very much alive.
But I mean, seriously... do you know how many people have done remarkable things, in spite of the odds?
People are fighting and surviving cancer as we speak, and that is only about a well-known condition. It's not a disease to me, it is a condition because it can change.
Some people are fighting diseases/conditions that you've probably never even heard of, like necrotizing fasciitis. Let's hope you NEVER find out what it means by experience. But the point is, everybody's fighting a battle, even if you can't see it.
Today is Veteran's Day. Today is a day of hope. A day of victory.

I mean, do you ever take the time to go someplace, and upon seeing all of the other people, wonder what their life must be like?
People are driving to and fro, and does somebody ever even wonder who they are? Maybe the guy screaming out of his car with obvious road rage is trying to get to the hospital to see his dying wife? Maybe it's his son or daughter. There are several BILLION people in this world and each and every single one has a story. It could be like yours. Chances are, it is. With all those people, surely somebody is where you are at. I'm not trying to be depressing, though I think I am being so.
What I'm trying to say is that, instead of focusing on all our losses, we should focus on everything that's been good in our lives.

Make an effort to know somebody to day. Just say hi and talk about anything. Try something new. Try painting, try light painting. Try anything. Compliment somebody, for all you know, it could make their day. Be the reason somebody smiles today. Be their reason for hope. It doesn't matter if you don't know them. Just do something for somebody else today. Send somebody a thank you note, a real handwritten one. Smile at people that walk by. Wave even, call it a challenge. But today is a day of hope, so be that hope. I promise it'll bring you up if you're feeling down. There's nothing wrong with helping others even if you don't get anything in return.